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Malomo,30.10.2005

A place to share humor stories of your own or common jokes. Let's smile!

Malomo,30.10.2005

A classic: I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna L.A. to bigga hotel. ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress: I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her: I want two piss. She say: go to the toilet. I say: you no anderstenda, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say: you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!!. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her: I wanna fock. She tell me: everyone wanna fock. I tella her: you no anderstenda. I wanna fock on the table. She say: you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch!. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him: I wanna shit. He tell me: to go to toilet. I say you no anderstenda. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit sonna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch! I gonna back to Italy!!.

arkhangel,30.10.2005

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Malomo,30.10.2005

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Engineers decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer. When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please."

Malomo,30.10.2005

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, being his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in " The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist."

arkhangel,30.10.2005

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. and you thought LOL was lots of love when it is laughing out loud.

Malomo,30.10.2005

Dear Abby, I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, dear Abby: Should I -or shouldn't I- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Malomo,30.10.2005

Lol Arkhangel, It's so funny! (I actually done everything listed in the final points)

arkhangel,30.10.2005

Microsoft beats mine, jaja

Rene-Caballero,31.10.2005

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs are enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."

Malomo,31.10.2005

jajaja! (hahaha I mean)

neftali,31.10.2005

and your classic "jejeje"?

MyNameisCalami,31.10.2005

A colombian is going to live in USA but he (like me) doesn't speaks english. He's worry about the food and he's asking to her girlfriend how he can ask something to eat in a restaurant. His girlfriend says: - Vos vas a un restaurante y pa' pedir Carne con huevos decís: estikenegs. Esto suena como: usté quién es? El mesero te va a entender y va a traerte carne con huevos. The colombian came to a restaurante in the first time. Then a man gets near: - May i help you? Then the colombian says: - Vos quién sos? Cualquier reclamación por haber repetido palabras la omitiré.

agua_viva,02.11.2005

Bush, Einstein and Picasso When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

Malomo,02.11.2005

But St. Peter, he actually proof to be him! Send it to hell!!!! (Straight ahead to hell in a non stop trip.) jejeje

agua_viva,02.11.2005

You are right, Malomo. St. Peter should have sent him to hell. He must have thought that George was so stupid that he didn´t intend to do bad actions. Well... St. Peter must have thought that. But we are not St. Peter.

GAIUS,03.11.2005

CRUEL JOKE A blind man walks into a bar.........

agua_viva,03.11.2005

Jaja, GAIUS. Short and acute....

C_Posada,04.11.2005

One day a mariposita was flying in the garden. ¡Coño! Say the mariposita... I always forget to open my alitas!

C_Posada,04.11.2005

One day a mariposita was flying in the garden. And the repente ¡Plof! Hostia in the floor. ¡Coño! Say the mariposita... I always forget to open my alitas!

GAIUS,04.11.2005

SHORT ETHNIC JOKE Why does the dumb italian bring a quarter to his hot date? So that if he can't come he can always call.

GAIUS,04.11.2005

I should I given two quarters to the dumb italian so to keep the joke up to date with inflation.

GAIUS,04.11.2005

I meant I should've given.

Malomo,05.11.2005

In the hairdresser an old lady says to her friends: -My husband and I, we practice oral sex every day. -Every day you sock him and he licks you?? -ask a surprized friend-. -Oh no! Not at all! We just talk about it!

Malomo,05.11.2005

I've heard this one in a movie: -¿Why six is afraid of seven? - Because seven ate nine

GAIUS,05.11.2005

OK Bar means a place to go to drink and relax and also means vara, varilla, reja de metal. That's why people in jail, in prison, are told to be behind bars. En español "un ciego se metió un traquetazo contra un poste" no es funny porque el juego de palabras entre bar y reja o poste es intra- ducible. "Traduttore tradittore"

GAIUS,05.11.2005

Why does the colombian keep piling coke, and coke and more coke in his refrigerator? Because President Uribe is the only one getting all the pemanganate.

GAIUS,05.11.2005

How do you set apart the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar.

agua_viva,07.11.2005

Murphy's Travel Laws for frequent flyers 1.No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 6.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8.The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9.The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 10.The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

malomo,07.11.2005

haha! Murphy rules!

malomo,16.11.2005

I've heard this one from a canadian friend of mine: (you need to know that "dago" and "wop" are both pejorative words for italian people) Italian tires: Dago this way and dago that way, and when dago flat, dago wop wop wop... (Hey Gaius, don't get mad, I'm italian too. Well, not really, but at least my passport is.)

GAIUS,17.11.2005

An italian went to Poland and a Polish went to Italy, and as a result the IQ in one of the countries went up and in one of the countries went down. Why? Because the polish was a Pope and the italian was a Dope.

GAIUS,17.11.2005

A sick italian girl went to the doctor who told her her body was reacting to so many micro organisms. When she got home and her husband asked her what the doctor said she replied that the doctor had told her her body couldn't deal with his flash fucking and her organisms were too fast and too short.

GAIUS,27.11.2005

The United States Postal Service released a collection of stamps dedicated to famous lawyers and statesmen, but had to recall it because the customers couldn't decided in what of the two sides of the stamps to spit on.

GAIUS,27.11.2005

couldn't decide which side In English the tense is indicated by the auxiliary not the main verb. what is not for concrete things. Which is for it. Funny and instructive.

GAIUS,27.11.2005

An old man was rocking in his chair and drinking beer in the porch when he saw a boy walking by with a round of chicken wire under his arm. "Hi, boy, where are you going with that chicken wire under your arm?" asked the old man. "I am going to get me some chickens", answered the boy. "You fool little imp, you can't get chickens with chickenwire", said the old man. In the evening he saw the boy with more than ten chickent in the wire. The following day the boy passed by again with a long piece of duct tape and the old man asked him again: "Hi, boy, where are you going with that long piece of duct tape? "I am going to get me some ducks", said the boy. "You fool lad, you can't get ducks with duct tape. In the evening the boy returned con more than ten ducks glued to the tape. The following morning the boy passed by once more with a long tube and some wooly material at the end, and the old man asked him? Hiya, boy, where are you going with that?" "It is a pussy willow" answered the boy. The old man jumped from the chair and told the boy: "Wait up there sunny boy I'm gonn'git me my hat"

malomo,27.11.2005

hahahaha!

GAIUS,29.11.2005

Two fanciulli, Luigi and Angelo were playing by the river when they spotted a naked woman bathing. After a brief moment Luigi ran away at full speed and Angelo followed him. When Luigi stopped Angelo asked him -What happened, Why the hell did you run like that! And Luigi, still catching his breath replied -Well, Mamma told me if I ever saw a naked lady to run away otherwise I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran!

GAIUS,29.11.2005

The Pope was dying and he requested the presence of his favorite choir boy. His chamberman, Cardinal sent for the kid and when the ragazzo knelt down beside the Pope's bed he farted. Disgusted the Cardinal looked at him an grily and said with a stern voice Non parlare di amore in questo momento fatale....

GAIUS,01.12.2005

Why did the group of crazy colombians run away from computer class? Because the computer said YOU HAVE PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUTDOWN.

GAIUS,01.12.2005

The colombian teacher: Gustavito, illustrate the difference between ingnorance and indifference. Gustavito: I don't know, and frankly, I don't care.

GAIUS,01.12.2005

Dad, give me a fifty to go to the beauty parlor. Well, you know the deal, said the father taking his dick out. So the girl knelt down, but she made a face and after spitting told her father "Yuck, what a shitty taste" "Sorry", said the father, "But your brother needed the car keys".

GAIUS,01.12.2005

The colombian went to a bar and found several americans there. He kept buying them beer and telling them every time there were fifty american where he worked, but he wished there were hundreds more. After several rounds of beer the americans got curious and asked the colombian where he worked. He stared a them for a moment and then said In the cemetery.

malomo,06.12.2005

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."

GAIUS,07.12.2005

Something must have happened in that closet between the boy and the guy since both of them kept getting "in the closet". The boy must have been a knock out since the Father (not the father) was willing to pay a thousand for two quickies. By the way, Malomo, send the bill to the Vatican, where they are desperately expecting priests to start fucking women like it is going out fashion, even if it is in the foggy universe of jokes. Who knows, maybe they offer you some plenary indulgence for spreading the good word.

GAIUS,07.12.2005

SUREST WAY FOR A LATINAMERICAN TO COMMIT SUICIDE An Argentinian: He climbs his ego and then jumps. A Colombian: He goes to work for an american corporation an starts campaigning to found a union (sindicato) A chilean: He plays russian roulette pulling the trigger every time Mario Kreutzberger says something stupid. To be Continued