Two drunk tourists in Highgate Cemetry - London
By Alexandra Riera
© 2005 Alexandra Riera

After having had a full English breakfast with bacon, eggs, sausages, fried eggs, fried bread, tomatoes, mushrooms and baked beans that had been easily washed down with two pots of tea and a glass of orange juice, Tomas and Aaron slowly made their way to the hotel foyer where their tour guide was waiting for them. They soon donned their sunglasses when they saw her, a plain looking girl wearing a bright yellow shirt and an orange skirt.

“Pardon me sir, but I don’t think you’ll be needing those today” the tour guide said as she went towards them.

“Yes we do,” answered Tomas, “it’s very bright today..”

“He’s got a hangover and he can’t stand bright sights” interrupted Aaron. “what’s your name by the way beautiful English rose?”

“I’m not an English rose, I’m Italian and my name is Nadia.”

“Ohhh Spaguetti bolonesa, lassaña, caneloni, parmesano bon jorno siniorita” mocked Tomas.

Aaron pushed Tomas away from the tour guide to stop him getting any closer. “Please, forget my friend here… he’s just trying to chat you up.”

Nadia decided to ignore the pair and instead directed her attention to the rest of the group who was already gathered in the centre of the foyer.

“Good morning every body. My name is Nadia and I’ll be your tour guide for today’s visit to Highgate Cemetery. If you would kindly follow me I’ll take you to the bus which is waiting outside.”

The bunch of tourists followed her swiftly as she went through the revolving doors of the hotel entrance. One by one they boarded the bus after giving their name and surname to Nadia which she carefully wrote down on her list.

Tomas and Aaron soon fell asleep on their comfortable upholstered seats and had to be woken up personally by Nadia upon arrival.

“Brrr It’s cold” muttered Tomas as soon as he stepped outside the bus, “I need a drink”

“I don’t think pubs are open at this time of the morning.”

“No need to wait for the pubs to open, I’ve brought my own flask. Have a swig and shut up Aaron.”

Aaron obliged happily, he was cold too and there was nothing better than another drink to cure a hangover unless you had access to some Alcazasers.

So busy were they with having a little drink that they had almost been left behind by the group.

“No need to hurry Aaron, if she sees us she’ll tell us off.”

“Oh!.. and what’s worse…. She might want some too….. Uh, that could be alright though.”

“Any way,” continued Tomas, “we don’t really need a guide here… I know all there is to know about this place.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! Important people are buried here… my aunt for instance…”

“Ah ah ah!” laughed Aaron as he almost dropped the flask on the floor, “Come on! Pull the other one mate! Your aunt is not buried here, I saw her last month!”

Tomas rescued the flask from Aaron hands and had another swig. “As I was saying, you idiot, because you’re not listening…. my aunt used to live near here when she was young and she used to come here often on her bike to have a look around when she was in her painter phase.”

“Ah, he, he,” giggled Aaron, “Your aunt? On a motorbike? Oh boy, you’re full of surprises” he said as he took the flask back from Tomas. He just couldn’t picture Aunt Melisa on a bike. Aunt Melisa was now over seventy years old, fat, full of wrinkles and was known for rambling on with strange stories about her travels as a young girl and was also reported to be a little bit on the senile side. No one could figure her out.

The cold weather took over them and they carried on walking silently for a while until they caught up with the group.

“…. And here we have the tomb of Edward Hodges Baily, a very famous British sculptor……” was Nadia saying to the group.

Tomas and Aaron separated from the group after getting a few reproachful glances.

“Excuse us” Said Tomas as they made their way to a different grave.

“I know who that guy is” said Aaron, “It’s the guy who did the Nelson statue at Trafalgar Square.”

“Yeah, and over there is the resting place of Rowland Hill, you know… the guy who invented stamps, you know… the postal service and all that stuff.”

“Yeah, I know…..” he said as he opened the flask again had a little drink and passed the flask over to Tomas.

“Perhaps we should visit the super-famous grave of Karl Marx and take a picture of it, what do you think?”

“His name was Karl Heinrich Marx. You uncultured sod!”

“Leave the insults out of it, we’re in a cemetery. A bit more of decorum please…..” He whispered giggling into Tomas’ ear as he had another little drink and led the way.

When they reached Karl Marx’s tombstone, they saw that it had very few ornaments and carved on it were t he words “Workers of all lands, unite”

“Oh… imagine that” said Aaron as he reclaimed the flask from Tomas. He realised then that the flask was different.

“I must be very pissed! The flask looks different and it doesn’t taste like whiskey!” he said as he cleaned his mouth with his sleeve.

“I had another flask in my other pocket”

“Oh, that explains everything then…” he said as he handed the flask back to Tomas. “Hey, I need a bathroom…. I’m bursting….”

“I don’t think there are any here, we’ll have to find a quiet corner.”

Together they made their way towards a more secluded part of the cemetery and just when they thought they had found the right place they heard some voices.

“Quick! Get down! ” slurred Tomas as he pulled Aaron down with him on to the floor. “Vampires! They must be vampires” he whispered.

“You really are truly and absolutely drunk Tomas” he told him. “Vampires don’t come out during the day time and it’s morning now…. I know that for sure.”

“You know nothing about this place.” He said as his features turned somber. “Do you know were we are right now?

“Highgate Cemetry, of course”

“We are right at the centre, and this tunnel there leads to the Circle of Lebanon” Tomas said as he pointed in the direction of the tunnel.

“A very exotic name in a cemetery ha ha ha!” he laughed.

“Shut up! That’s where the Vampire was buried”….

“What? In holy grounds?” interrupted Aaron in a fit of giggles.

“Shhh, there was this Russuan guy Michail Oleg Ostrog, a shoemaker they say he was, well, he came over here in the 1890s and after making a fortune he moved to Highgate where he was questioned by the police about some vampiric crimes and….”

“Carry on… but take it easy on the historical side, I’ll forget most of it in ten minutes… .I’m pissed!” said Aaron as he took the flask from Tomas and had another drink.

“Alright. He was supposed to be a vampire and I can’t remember how he ended up being buried here and they, some bishop and some other clergyman opened the grave and there he was……fangs with blood still sticking out for all to see! Yuck!” he said as he began to shiver.

“Urghk! I think I’m going to throw up!” said Aaron as he started to heave.

Just then, the clouds opened up and a sun beam shone next to them as footsteps got nearer to them.

“Shush! Be quiet and still, I think there’s someone coming.”

“I’m not feeling well Tomas, I think this time I’ve had too much” started sobbing Aaron as he held his stomach with his hands. He closed his eyes and he felt immersed in a whirlpool where he couldn’t stop spinning.

“Come on! We’re late! Get up you slug! We’re going to be late!” A voice cried from nearby.

Aaron had difficulty in regaining his consciousness and very slowly he tried to open his eyes. The room was spinning round and round. His mouth was dry he had the most incredible headache.
“Urgh!” was all he could mutter.

Suddenly a newspaper was flung violently on his face. He grabbed the newspaper and saw that on the front page there was a picture of Prince Charles on a visit to Highgate Cemetery.

“That’s where we’re going, isn’t it Tomas?”

“Not unless you hurry, slow poke! We’re going to miss breakfast. Get dressed. NOW!” He shouted.

With a bit of help from his friend, Aaron managed to have a quick shower and get dressed before going to the breakfast room for a hearty English breakfast.

“Wow! It all looks delicious Tomas… I don’t know if I can fit all this in you know, not after last night… but I’ll try!”

Tomas and Aaron sat and had their breakfast to their hearts and bellies contentment and when they finished they walked into the hotel foyer where a plain looking girl with a bright yellow shirt and an orange skirt greeted them.

Tomas and Aaron put their sunglasses on.

“It’s quite cloudy today, you won’t be needing these” said the tour guide pointing at their sunglasses.

As Aaron could see the whole scene replaying in his head, his friend apologised on his behalf saying that he had a hangover and even tried to chat the girl up. What a cheek!

Still confused and dazed he boarded the bus for the day’s trip and fell asleep as soon as he settled on his seat.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at Highgate Cemetery which was opened in 1839. It is part of a ring of seven cemeteries that had been built after the authorities decided that graveyards attached to little churches couldn’t cope with the number of burials……….. The Victorians……… Gothic……..

Aaron ignored the tourist guide and as he put his hands in his pockets he tried not to shiver with cold.

“What a night last night hein Aaron?” nudged Tomas.

“Yeah! But I feel a wreck!”

“Brrr It’s cold, I need a drink”

“I don’t think pubs are open at this time of the morning.”

“No need to wait for the pubs to open, I’ve brought my own flask. Have a swig and shut up Aaron.”

“I don’t think I can take anymore Tomas.”

“As you wish!” he said as he took the first sip and handed the flask to Aaron.
.
The end
© 2005 Alexandra Riera
(1755 words)